another day

I still here awaiting results from a MRI. its been a week and still no results. The drs think I might have MS. Great another disease raging in me. Its bad enough I am bipolar and I have rhematuiod Artritis. Now I may have MS.

I am nervous especially since its been a week I cant help but think about it/ What am I going to tell the kids? How am i going to explain it to them? Should I wait til later or do it soon. Same with my bipolar disorder. I haven't told them about that yet but should I? I have always been open and honest with them. Should I wait until they start questioning me or just come out and tell them. Hopefully soon I will know my self> Do i or DO i not have MS?

Its like my immune system and brain has it out for me. Could it be my body just hates me?? Should I be worried that maybe something else will pop up? I think I am going to take it one day at a time and deal with my life now.

Sick

I am still sick... I just can't seem to get over whatever is ailing me. Not to mention I am depressed again. I just want to sleep and not do anything else. I wake up get the kids ready for school and then i go back to bed. I am withdrawing from school this semster becuase I just cant do anything. I feel like my head is in a fog. I just cant stand feeling like this. Hopefully sooon it will get better. I am going to try and get a doctors appt to maybe get my meds adjusted.

I have to work tomorrow but my chest is hurting soooo bad. I hope i don;t have bronchitis. If i do then hopefully the dr will give me something and make this pain stop.Well its about time to get the kids off to bed.

sad day

It's a sad day. My little boy is no longer a baby. He lost his first tooth last night. I am sooooo sooo sooo sad. I am so so sad. I cant beleive he is growing up..... he is in kindergarden, now losing his teeth. pretty soon he will be graduating from high school and college and getting married. My how the years so far have flown by and i know they will be flying even more.....

Schools

Ben his outfit was adorable
Ceceilia

Ben's signature
The tile artwork







I feel very fortunate that the kids go to such a great school. They had their celebration of learning yesterday and it was awesome. It really set the bar for the rest of them. Ceceilia had the opportunity to work with an Olympic coach to the US Olympic Karate team and she earned her white belt through him.

Ben had hip hop and worked with Studio J. The owner Miss Jullian has worked on "So You think you can dance" as well as numerous other singers. His performance was sooo adorable... You have to check it out...
Those who had art are working on a ceiling tile project. They are making artwork on the ceiling tile which when done will be hung on the ceiling in the school. The artwork is beautiful here are a couple of the pictures..

Time

Well time keeps ticking.... thats the new view of my life right now.

Ben is doing better since being put on medicine. HE has actually had alot of good days in school. he still occasionally has a bad day but thats to be expected. Dont we all have a bad day here and there?? I know I do.

As for me, well, I am depressed. I wish i was manic becuase it would be easier to cope right now. I dont want to do anything, being sick doesnt help./ I think everyone is noticing a difference in me. I dont know how to explain it to them.I mean if you havent been there then you just dont know. I am tired and sick alot recently. I have some kind of stomach bug or maybe its all in my head who knows.

Well tomorrow is the kids' celebration of learning. I am looking forward to seeing ben perform> He has hip hop this time and cece has karate. I know she will do well but this is bens first performance. I am so exciting to see him.. He has been excited about this also. Its nice to see him excited abour something. He has karate next i am hoping he likes it and maybe we will put him in it. I know he can use the discpline that it teaches. Cece is excited becuase she is going ot earn her white belt. I am not sure if she will actually get the belt but it would be nice if she did. Well i am tired and ready to go to bed. Will write more later.

Life has been crazy

sisters out on the town. LOL My sister kim (left) myself and sister Trish (right)
Ben Ben and myself
this is Ceceilia and myself she loves clowning around for the camera.
this is Ben with Chelsea(on left) and Haley (on right) this is one of my favorite pictures

this is me and my nieces Haley(left) and Chelsea (right)


Well things have been kinda hectic around here. We did go to wheeling and had a ball. got to see everyone it was nice.. those are pictures from the weekend.

Since being home I've been working, being sick and going to school. I am dropping two of my classes because I just cant take all the work. I am not very organized right now. Things are so messed up in my head right now that I cant concentrate. I have begun taking my meds again. I know I shouldn't have stopped them but i did. Hopefully I will be back to normal by the spring semester. Well going to go and find some trouble to get into or something. Write more later.

things and more

Well things are going ok.

As i have said before hte kids are in school. i have pics finally loaded on the computer of thier first day. Thursday was picture day so I am anxiously awaiting those pics

here is ben on his first day chillin before school






here is ceceilia before school





















So we are heading to Wheeling this weekend. Should be nice to see everyone., If you want me to see you yall have to give me a holla...

well i need to get back to my med term. at least this class isnt as hard as i thought since i have been through AP 1 and 2.

SCHOOOL

Well we are all back into school. I started two weeks ago and my last class started today. OH i dont know what i was thinking this semster. We shall see how things will end up.. I took an aerobics class. So far so good. I am making it through, Yes I can do this.

The kids started school last week. Ceceilia is doing good so far but Ben is having some problems. We shall see how things go.

Im stressed out thoguh. I Have been having this really bad dizzy spells. The doctor thinks they are becuase of me being stressed. Who knows. I am trying to destress and some of that means getting things organized. I need to be organized. I am slowly getting things organized how i want them in the house. we shall see if i can keep up with it. well i am exhausted so its off to bed for me. Later

nice

Well i started back to class... I took an aerobics class... yes why i do not know but so far so good. We did some walking today and it was pretty good. i felt really good afterwards. NICE.... I know it will get harder... but its all good.

I am trying to organize the house.i just need to get things together.... its sooo frustrating.

well kinda tired going to bed

less than two weeks left

well the kids start back to school on the 24th. thought it was the 17th but i was wrong. ben and i start on the 17th though..... its exciting but also exhausting. i am not sure if i am ready to go through another semseter..... i wish i was done already but i have at least 3 more years to go. they say its a two year program but they dont tell u u have three years of pre-reqs u need to do.... that is what gets you. i might need to take a semster off or something. i shouldnt have taken a class this summer. defiantely not doing this next summer. i might take the cna class but that is only 2 weeks i think i can handle that. a 10 week class for the summer is not good.

my mood isnt much better. i think my meds are at the pharmacy but my lovely husband keeps forgetting to pick them up. I have been clearing out the house though. I am trying to organize everything before i go back to school. i cant deal with a cluttered house plus scvhool work. im going through the kids clothes and toys to get rid of things they have outgrown or just broke. this is long over due....

well i am hoping to get to see my dad over the weekend of labor day.... i requested off so that we can go down and see them. hopefully i get it or i might just call off who knows....

i am making routines for the kids. i figure they will help everyone. i am taking my camera and taking pictures of the things i need them to do (since ben cant read yet) and also writing the words next to them to help him with his reading. Ive been doing a good job so far... I am working on getting ceceilia to straighten up her room. its a disater area. totally looks like a hurricane went through there...

we have oreniation for the kids on the 19th. i think ben is excited to meet his new teacher and get things moving along. I hope he does really well in school. as long as this teacher gets him on a routine he should do very well.... we shall see..

we have these three stray cats outside in our yard. they kids will sit at the door and watch them play for a very long time. one cat is very brave and annoying. he is climbing up my screen door. i have to chase him away. our cats dont seem to like the kittens. my husband i think wants to keep one of them... we are talking about trying to catch them and take them to the human society. at least there they will get a good home..

advice

Ok so my advice for today is......

Buy new oven mitts or you will get burned..... LOL

Yes it is kinda hard to type when your finger is in pain from being burned after taking cupcakes outta the oven. Yes the kids and I made cupcakes. Who ever thought of making boxes that make only 12 cupcakes are a genius. I made two boxes each kid got to pick which kinda they wanted and got to stir thier own. Plus two bowls...... So no fighting over the bowls. of course mommy did get the spoons. lol i had to get something especially since i was the one who got burnt.....

Icing them should be interesting, right now they are cooling and waiting to be iced.

On another note. I am feeling a little better but the doctor called and said i didnt get the meds from them so they cant refill it. WTF? the pysch said that my PCP could refill the meds. I guess i am looking for another pysch to go too. Who has the time for all this... I dont all i wanted was my meds. Its sooooo frustrating. Well maybe i can call the old pysch and get a refill but i know he is gonna wanna see me and i cant stand him......

Well I was wrong about the kids starting school on the 17th they dont start until the 24th. which means i go to school on the 17th and they dont... thats not fair..... lol

well im loooking for new storage ideas to get things organized. hopefully i can find what i am looking for. I have it in my head what i want just cant find it anywhere......

Well the cupcakes are almost ready to be iced so i gotta gooooo.....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh my gosh. This has been a horrible day. I am so annoyed with everyone. The kids husband the cats....everyone. I did finally call my medicine in but who knows how long before the doctor will fill it. I am so anxious, and something else. I have this like pent up feeling inside my chest. I fell like my heart is beating a millions times per second. I cant concentrate on anything. I have tons of things just flipping through my mind. I cant stop the racing thoughts. Its just one thing after another. I keep going from one point to another. Pacing seems to help keep me calm. Weird,, i know.

I rearranged the dinning room and living room today. I think it looks good. I still have lots of cleaning to do. I know I am manic. I feel it. I could run a marathon right now but dont want too. Its weird because i have all this energy yet i dont want to do anything. It comes in spurts.
Its after midnight and I am aggitated. The kids wont go to sleep my husband is annoying me. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I need a break I need a day off. I mean why does everyone else get a break but im with the kids 24-7/ Dang I cant wait until school starts. Then I will have a break.

I dont know how I am going to do this. I start school at the same time as the kids. I dont know if i am ready for this next semster. I feel a little better writing this but for some reason i just want to cry. I feel a little numb maybe i cant really explain how i am feeling.

I have sooo many things to still get for the kids for school. I hate shoppping for school things. I am mad at the school still hasnt sent us anything. I mean school starts in less than a week and we have not recieved any lists as to what they need. Also bens just starting kindergarden I dont know who his teacher is. I am also worried that he wont get to meet him before school starts and with his adhd meeting the teacher beforehand will make the transition go smoother. I am going to try to call them again. We shall see if anyone answers.

I hope my doctor calls me soon i really need my meds. I dont know why i do this. I havent had them for over a month and thought i was fine but now i am crashing. Damn disorder. I hate this. I dont know why some people like being manic i hate it. I cant sleep then there are days i dont want to wake up. I hate crashing and burning like this> I just wanna scream....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Oh my gosh. Things right now are a mess. I am just sooo tired. This stupid chemistry class.(which I did fail) had really gotten to me. I am drained.

Everyone is annoying me. I cant stand being around anyone right now. The kids are getting on my nerves. They are fighting consistantly. I cannot wait until they go back to school. I am getting tired of dealing with ben's outburst. These doctors need to give him some medicine or something becuase I dont know how much more I can deal with this. Of course I am going too but i dont know how much more my sanity can take. Today is especially bad. he just wont listen. He has been in time out more than not/ He is constantly hitting me. I have bruises on my arms becuase of him. There are times when I really dont even want to be around him.

I am depressed again. I know I am. I can feel it. Thats why i am always tired. I have to go back to my doctors but ive just been so busy and just forgetful. I hate being like this. I really could sleep all day long if i was able too. I just dont want to do anything. Its a struggle to get up and deal with the kids. I know things will get better once everyone goes back to school. Its just that my routine has been displaced. Just last week though i was manic and couldnt sleep at all. I managed to get maybe three hours of sleep a night if i was lucky,. That lasted about two weeks now I am on the other end of it. I will be trying to blog more as i feel like it becuase maybe i can keep a record of how i feel.

Well I'm going to try to go to bed.

Me

Si I have decided to start my own blog. My life isn't glamorous but it's my life. I am 28 years old. I am the mother of two children. Ceceilia is 7 and Benjamin Jr. is 5. I am a part time equipment aide at the new Children's hospital. I live in pittsburgh, pa. I am married to a wonderful man of 5 years. He is my heart and soul.

I am bipolar. I have dealt with depression since age 12. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 5 years ago. Finally have a diagnosis has been great. I always felt like I was crazy but now I know that I am not, well somewhat, LOL.


I am currently in school. I am studying to hopefully be a nurse. I don't know about that since I have recently failed Chemistry. I had a horrible teacher and just didnt do well. I cannot seem to comprehend this subject. I am thinking about taking it again but not sure if i want to do it in the fall or spring. I was on student government last year and I am going to rerun for it this year. It was a great experience. I am also a member of the science club. I am also a work study for the biology department. I work as a lab assistant.

I deal with alot on a day to day basis. My son has ADHD and ODD, along with an allegery to eggs, asthma and eczema. My daughter has asthma and an allegery to mold, dust and mildew. It's been a struggle to deal with but i am dealing with it.